The human mind is a complex tool; ever-changing, ever longing for something or someone it cannot have - this tool takes us on journeys we wish we never had to deal with or journeys we relish with great passion.
Recently, I feel myself in a predicament. Being an open person, who can accept any judgement, any criticism and take it on the chin well, I am stunned and confused. I don’t know what to do, to say or even if I should do or say anything at all. At a crossroads in my life, I’ve realised the many mistakes I’ve made and how I need to fix and turn it into the best of a bad situation. The issue that has become this ‘predicament,’ is a new issue and I’m glad the mind has brought it to the surface because even though it is a predicament, it shows that emotion lingers beneath my projection of black, eerie and darkness.
In any relationship, the word here meaning any pairing, be it platonic or sexual, has to be based on a certain mutual thought and compromise. I know of myself, that I demand a bit more mutual thought and compromise than the usual. The feelings of rejection, outcast and ostracization over the course of my life do not bode well with relationships. Entering them feeling that you will be thrown out for being yourself is a horrible thought. Why think that, you say? Because I’ve definitely done that to people, myself. The world is as evil as you are. When you surprise yourself with the ease of crushing someone, you run one of two courses. The first one is to start an impending cascade of doom and destruction. The other is to realise the pain you inflict and how to apply that energy to something else and not someone else.
Now in a situation where I feel I am powerless, a certain beautiful submission where I want to be pushed further and further into this feeling - I do not know how to react. Being taunted with behaviour, I have never encountered before, allowing me to feel feelings that are new, exciting as well as the old feelings that are now rather intensified, raw and manically painful. Do I allow these feelings to envelope me and fall into this stunning submission or do I exert the ersatz power that is my façade and possibly suffer the consequences? All I know that for once, these feelings are true and pure, therefore allowing myself to fall for into this dark, beautiful rabbit-hole of emotions is the answer for this predicament. Here’s hoping that the bottom of the hole is laden of pillows and goose down duvets, not spikes and jagged glass edges.